Boredom

In an elevator:

Act like a dog, growl at people. 

Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.

Ask everyone what they made for their side dish. 

Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over. 

Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?” 

Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers. 

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Blow spit balls at the ceiling. 

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Blow your nose on your sleeve. 

Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator. 

Bring a chair along.

Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong). 

Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”

Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it. 

Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on. 

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.

Clutch your stomach and gasp. 

Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.

Collect an elevator tax. 

Count down from 100,000 out loud. 

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball! 

Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex. 

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!” 

Eat jello through a straw. 

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 

Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave. 

Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour. 

Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements 

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days. 

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them. 

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 

Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you. 

Have a picnic in the elevator. 

Have a seizure. 

Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?” 

Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

Hug yourself. 

Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator. 

Hum the theme to Jeopardy 

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?" 

Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.

Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop. 

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play. 

Lean against the button panel.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

Leave a box between the doors.

Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking. 

Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.) 

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Make farm noises. 

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Make sure the emergency phone is working. 

Meow occasionally.

Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 

Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents. 

Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board. 

Offer hitman services. 

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

Open a lemonade stand. 

Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again. 

Pick your nose. 

Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors. 

Play dead. 

Play patty--cake with the door. 

Play the harmonica.

Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident. 

Pray to Budda. 

Preach about the end of the world. 

Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.

Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers 

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. 

Read a book upside down. 

Recite poetry in monotone. 

Request for people to watch you Riverdance. 

Say "Ding!" at each floor. 

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 

Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”

Scratch yourself. 

Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad. 

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Shadow box. 

Shave.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 

Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually. 

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger." 

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”

Start a sing-along.

Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

Tap dance. 

Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob. 

Tell everyone about your love life. 

Tell people you can see their aura. 

Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes. 

Throw a party in the vator! 

Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you. 

Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat. 

Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger. 

Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant. 

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 

Wear a Santa suit...in June. 

Wear a ski mask and carry an axe. 

Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers 

When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out! 

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”

When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.” 

When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it. 

When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind. 

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 

When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door. 

When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you. 

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.

Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

In A Public bathroom:

Annoying People in Public Bathrooms

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Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 

Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise.

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." 

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"

Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could 

you kick that back over here please?"

General Ways to Annoy People 

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Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public. 

Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". 

After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.

Announce when you're going to the bathroom.

Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".

Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you." 

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

As people talk, smell their shoulders.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

Ask people what gender they are.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 

At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you." 

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."

Be "in conference" all the time.

Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"

Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.

Bring 15 things into the dressing room.

Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality" 

Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.

Buy it, wear it, return it.

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Call every girl you know "dude". 

Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds. 

Call everyone a communist.

Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.

Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach." 

Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages. 

Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."

Call your neighbors collect.

Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show. 

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 

Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you 

Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.

Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.

Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you. 

Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.' 

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.

Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them. 

Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.

Continuously mumble during a conversation.

Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"

Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language. 

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.

Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." 

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'. 

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines.

Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Don't clean the dryer lint screen.

Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup.

Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back.

Don't stand during hymns and anthems.

dont use any punctuation

Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.

Draw mustaches on posters.

Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. 

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 

Drive half a block.

Drum on every available surface.

Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.

Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.

Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.

E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 

Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. 

Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly. 

Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.

Face the back when standing in an elevator.

Fart in cramped places.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".

Finish other people's crossword puzzles

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 

Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. 

For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. 

Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination." 

Forget the pooper scooper.

“Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug." 

Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win. 

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 

Give little kids clothes for their birthdays

Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.

Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"

Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.

Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.

Go up the down escalator.

Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.

Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed. 

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 

Honk and wave to strangers.

Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

In an office, lock all the doors behind you.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.

Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money. 

Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 

Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.

Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.

Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com 

Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall! 

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.

Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads.

Leave pages in the copier.

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 

Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April.

Leave the toilet seat up

Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower.

Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Lie to your therapist.

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"

Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Make scary faces at babies.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!) 

Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.

Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)

Mow your lawn with scissors.

Name your dog "Dog."

Never break eye contact.

Never make eye contact.

Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.

On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.

On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.

On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare.

On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?" 

only type in lowercase.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

Open umbrellas in crowded hallways.

Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now." 

Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Pay tolls with $100 bills

Pee in the swimming pool.

Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.

Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.

Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.

Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want.

Place your shoes on the table.

Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!

Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff". 

Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space." 

Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."

Practice making fax and modem noises. 

Practice the art of limp handshakes

Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.

Pretend you are invisible.

Pretend you have gone completely deaf.

Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.

Pretend you're listening.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put everyone on speakerphone.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. 

Race the old woman for the last bus seat.

Rain on someone's parade.

Read over other people's shoulders on the bus.

Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers. 

Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy. 

Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.

Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.

Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding. 

Repeat everything someone says as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Ride a unicycle to work.

Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in.

Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you. 

Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat. 

Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.

Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."

See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window.

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 

Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Send emails to listserv when nobody else can

Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.

Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures.

Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving.

Set alarms for random times.

Shake with your left hand. 

Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Sing along at the opera.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 

Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.

Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass. 

Smell smoke often and announce it.

Snap your gum.

Sniffle incessantly.

Speak in a strong Welsh accent.

Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.

Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.

Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.

Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.

Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks. 

Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you.

Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going. 

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times". 

Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.

Tailgate the elderly.

Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane

Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.

Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.

Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.

Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property. 

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.

Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.

Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.

Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely." 

Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.

Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants. 

Tell people they have bad breath.

Tell small children that they don't look very promising. 

Tell teenagers how things were in your day.

Tell the ending of movies

Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool. 

Throw newspapers back at paperboys.

Throw stones at people walking past your house.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Touch strangers.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.

Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.

Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll.

Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's)

Wait until you get to work to shave. 

Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!" 

Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.

Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"

Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.

Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.

Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

Wear a lot\of cologne.

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense. 

Wear large hats during the movies.

Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.

Wear odd shoes.

Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.

Wear your pants backwards.

When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.

When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)

When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date. 

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.

When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.

When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."

When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off. 

When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.

When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you.

When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going." 

When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?”

When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."

When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.

When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.

When walking, talk to yourself constantly.

When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".

Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."

Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.

Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.

Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"

Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!" 

While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.

While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 

While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears). 

Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page

Funny thing to do is to Remove the plastic bags from cereal boxes and switch them around. Your roommate will scratch their head wondering why Frosted Flakes came out of a box of Cheerios.

Book Pranks - Tear out the last 2 pages of the current book your roommate is reading. Then leave a note in the pages place. Send your victim on a scavenger hunt to find the pages.

Inches - Everyday move your roommates stuff an inch away. In a about 2 weeks, his furniture will be almost out the door and he wouldn't even notice or give much thought.

Salty Toothpaste - Sprinkle some salt on your roommate's toothbrush. When he/shes person goes to brush their teeth, they will get a salty tasted treat.

Baby Powder On The Ceiling Fan - Pour some baby powder on the top side of a ceiling fan. When your victim turns it on, there will be baby popwder everywhere!

Soap Prank - Coat your rooommate's bar of soap with nail polish and let it dry. When they try to use it, they will go nuts trying to get it to lather up.

Annoying People at the Computer Lab

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Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pocket and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. 

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. 

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt. 

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. 

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 

Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 

Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 

See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 

Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 

Two words: Tesla Coil.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 

Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 

Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Yell "DISK FIGHT!!!"

How To Annoy People On The Beach

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Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?" 

Sing the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can. 

If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!" 

Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell, "Down periscope!" 

Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos. 

Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times. 

Throw jellyfish around. 

Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head and snap your fingers like you're listening to some happenin' tunes. 

Act like a sea gull. 

Wear t-shirt that says, "I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs please."

How To Annoy People 

At An Amusement Park 

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Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatly if they would like their picture taken.

Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.

Everytime you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.

Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it.

Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off.

Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money.

Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid hand movements.

Start talking about shaving your excess body hair in line while everyone around you is silent.

Find someone and tell them you're lost. Use your best acting skills.

Steal all of the pennies out of the water fountains.

Go up to the boy band wanna-be group and pretend to be really excited and ask for their autographs, reassuring them that they're gonna make it big soon.

Take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth at the very top of the tallest ride.

Ask the ride attendant if you cannot ride because you are under the influence of herione, marijuana, crack, and every other drug you can think of.

Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way.

Start talking *loudly* about the last time you got stuck upside-down on this ride, scaring everyone in line around you.

Ask someone that looks like they're in a hurry for directions.

Complain about how dirty the seat is, and demand they clean it off.

Walk up to anyone in the park, and say "Hi, my name is [your name]" and offer a handshake.

Ask ANYONE for their autograph.

Advertise for a theme park...one you're not at.

Find someone to tell your life story to.

Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer."

Comment how good you look in every picture of you on a ride.

Make fun of everyone else in every set of pictures taken during the rides.

Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero."

Ride every water ride and inform everybody with you that you can’t swim and everyone's gonna drown.]

Subway annoying

Take large objects on the train with you.

Sing songs. Start a round with everyone on the train.

Eat onions and garlic and talk to the people next to you.

Sell stuff.

Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.

Yell to your friends at the other end of the train.

Make fun of other people while they are in hearing distance of you.

Ride the train while drunk. Extra points if you throw up.

Constantly ask people for directions.

Ask people where they are from.

Ask people where they are going.

Quiz people on the meaning of life.

Start a game of poker. Extra points if it's strip poker.

Start a game of tag. Extra points if it's strip tag.

Start a game of twister.

Use a cell phone. Talk loudly.

Turn your headphones up to 120 decibels and then complain loudly that they just don't make headphones loud enough anymore.

Shake off your umbrella on the people sitting down.

Shake off your hair on the people sitting down.

Ring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining. Make them wonder where it all came from.

Ring out the shirt of the person sitting next to you. 

Bring a pet. Preferable a rattlesnake. Without a cage.

Juggle eggs.

Juggle knives.

Don't take a shower for a month.

Stick your feet way out into the aisles when sitting down. Extra points if you're wearing clown shoes.

Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

Start line dancing. Even when there's no music.

Use the shoulder of the person next to you to take a nap.

Use the shoulder of the person next to you to blow your nose.

Use the shoulder of the person next to you to cry.

Have deep philosophical conversations about belly button lint.

Play an accordion for money. Make people pay you to stop.

Jump up and down muttering "gotta go, gotta go" then frown and say "oops."

Use pennies in the turnstile.

Where a Burger King crown and tell everyone that they must bow before royalty. Hit those who don't.

Annoying People At The Office

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“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this. 

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. 

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes. 

Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it. 

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. 

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. 

Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”. 

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. 

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. 

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.” 

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation. 

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 

Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily. 

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. 

Grow mold in your coffee cup. 

Hang mistletoe over your desk. 

Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places. 

Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.) 

Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”) 

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer. 

Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans. 

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.” 

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present. Come to work in your pajamas. 

No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.” 

Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves. 

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. 

Put a picture of your mother on your business card. 

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. 

Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.” 

Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting. 

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.” 

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. 

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” 

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 

Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one wth something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments..." 

Sing “It’s a Small World After All” really loud in your cubical. 

Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel. 

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. 

Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio. 

Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left. 

When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee. 

When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. 

Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or don’t speak with them. When they knock, ignore them. 

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

Ways to Torture the Pizza Guy

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Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?" 

Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa 

After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 

Answer their questions with questions. 

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 

Ask for chips/fries with everything! 

Ask for extra homo-sapien 

Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 

Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 

Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 

Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30. 

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 

Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese. 

Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity. 

Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. 

Ask to see a menu. 

Ask what the order taker is wearing. 

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 

backwards pizza your order 

Be vague in your order. 

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 

Change your accent every three seconds. 

Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." 

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" 

Eliminate verbs from your speech. 

Engage in some serious swapping. 

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up 

Haggle. 

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 

If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you. 

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." 

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 

If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck. 

Imitate the order taker's voice. 

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 

Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year. 

Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave! 

Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni). 

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it 

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. 

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." 

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. 

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 

Order a one-inch pizza. 

Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 

Order a steamed pizza. 

Order one with ants.

Order term life insurance. 

Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss! 

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 

Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader) 

Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 

Order your pizza, singing in falseto! 

Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little. 

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 

Play a sitar in the background. 

Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up. 

Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering. 

Psychoanalyze the order taker. 

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold. 

Quote Carl Sandberg. 

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 

Rent a pizza. 

Repeat every third third word twice 

Report a petty theft to the order taker. 

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 

Say your order as fast as humanly possible. 

Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 

Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 

Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. 

Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up! 

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" 

Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." 

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 

St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly 

Stutter on the letter "p." 

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired. 

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 

Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 

Try to talk while drinking something. 

Use CB lingo where applicable. 

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 

When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes 

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" 

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 

When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" 

When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

How To Annoy People On An Airplane

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Act like a movie star. 

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question) 

Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only) 

Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?" 

Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers 

Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly." 

Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...." 

Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F". 

Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra 

Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom. 

Call the stewardess "nurse". 

Continually offer to share your "Beano". 

Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. 

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you 

Disco dance in the aisle 

Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face 

During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone 

During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers 

Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die 

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it 

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar 

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang 

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. 

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!" 

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world 

Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids. 

Hum the Monty Python theme song. 

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off. 

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!" 

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane. 

Lead a revolt against the first class passengers. 

Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?" 

Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends 

Moon passing Delta planes. 

No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni. 

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you. 

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. 

Pretend you're flying the plane.

Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head. 

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning. 

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!" 

Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds. 

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger. 

Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason. 

Show off your Batman underwear. 

Sing along with the songs on your Walkman. 

Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally. 

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it 

Snort when you laugh 

Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather." 

Spill soda "Accidentally" on the person next to you. 

Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...." 

Start a hot dog stand. 

Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing. 

Steal a businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it. 

Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check. 

Switch accents and see if anyone notices. 

Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test. 

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices 

Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon 

Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile. 

Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner" 

When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!" 

When they ask something, pretend that you don't know and you have to go ask someone else. Repeat wtih every question. (ie., "How are you today?" "How can I help you," "what would you like to order") 

When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud. 

Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show. 

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?" 

With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!" 

With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands. 

Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Ways To Annoy A Cop

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Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me! 

Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 

Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license? 

I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer. 

You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 

Bad cop! No doughnut! 

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?" 

Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. 

I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. 

So, you on the take, or what? 

Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? 

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 

Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? 

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 

I pay your salary. 

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds. 

So uh, you on the take or what? 

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand. 

You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

Annoying Things to do in a

Discount Superstore

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"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out. 

Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice.

Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 

Ask if you can buy a shopping cart. 

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 

Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies! 

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 

Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!"

Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot 

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 

Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them. 

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." 

Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed 

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" 

Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you". 

Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you." 

Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people. 

Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?" 

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 

Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles.

Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek. 

Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!" 

Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) .

Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing. 

Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it 

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away. 

Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game. 

Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does! 

Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours. 

Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.) 

Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild.

have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back. 

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!”

hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!"

Hold indoor shopping cart races. 

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 

Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out) 

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.

Make farting noises as you walk by someone. 

Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 

Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...“Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you.” 

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 

Play "Marco Polo." 

Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you . 

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 

Play with the automatic doors. 

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 

Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section. 

Put M&M's on layaway. 

Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking. 

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 

Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you. 

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 

roll cans of soup down the aisles. 

run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand. 

Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get! 

Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!" 

Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face. 

Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 

Set up a battle of laser tag . 

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 

set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut.

Shoot the bungee tops at customers.

Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can. 

Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!" 

Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.

Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?"

Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith

Take bets on the battle described above. 

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 

Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can. 

TP as much of the store as possible. 

Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!" 

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". 

Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere. 

Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!" 

walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day! 

Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down. 

Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her. 

Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you. 

Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 

Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!" 

When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy" 

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 

when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word. 

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 

when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them. 

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. 

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 

While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!!!

While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone. 

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"

Ways to Annoy Santa Claus

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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" 

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Annoying People At A Funeral 

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Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you 

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. 

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. 

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 

Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 

Ask the widow to give you a kiss. 

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. 

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. 

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased. 

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. 

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. 

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. 

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. 

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on. 

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. 

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. 

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. 

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. 

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. 

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. 

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. 

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. 

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Annoying Things to do at a

Drive Through Window 

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• Specify that this order is "To Go".

• Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order. 

• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast. 

• When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.

• Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 

• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order. 

• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?" 

• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off. 

• Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything. 

• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all.

• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ". 

• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it. 

Honk your horn the whole way through the line. 

• When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".

• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

• After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

• Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

• When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

• Drive through with a car load of naked people.

• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

• Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

• If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."

• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

Annoying People At The Mall 

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Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.

Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream “My SHOELACES! AAAGH!”

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 

.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.

Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

Test mattresses in your pajamas.

Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Sprint up the down escalator.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.

Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 

Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 

In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France...”

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Play the tuba for change.

Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz.”

Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant junk made out of straw.”

“Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. 

Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flat top!”

Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.

“Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.” 

Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

Walk up the skinniest stairs in the mall with your arms out not letting anyone pass and walkin really slow. And any time someone is near yell. 

Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun! 

Set all of the alarm clocks in any of the Bed & Bath stores to go off every ten minutes on the loudest setting possible. 

Buy the largest soda the stores have available, drink it down to the last inch, then stand behind someone while slurping up the remainding soda as loud as possible,when they tell you to stop it retort that you don't like to waste things. 

Men go into women's clothes stores and try on skirts, underclothes, swimsuits, etc. Ask shop assisants what they think (vise-versa for women) 

Bring survial gear and "live" in one of the tents in a camping shops. Scream "Help" & "We're under fire" every 5 mins. Make battle noises as well! 

Wear you swimming clothes and go swimming in the coin pool! Wear armbands and a rubber ring for extra effect! 

Start a sing along in the middle of the mall. 

Print lots of "Fake" money, go into the mall (second floor if available) amd throw it all away. 

Go into a pet shop and release all the birds, parrots etc. Screaming at the top of your voice "Be free my feathered friends" 

Follow someone with children around yelling "mommy I want that!" 

Take the money out the fountain while swimming and hand it out to people,spend it or if possible throw it from the second floor (it might hurt someone) 

Add strange growths to the giant lego men in the toy stores 

Put weird backgrounds on store computers when people aren't looking. 

buy a feather boa at a clothing store and hang on to the rail while waving it and screaming "Look everyone I can fly!" 

Stand in front of the Gap. "Fall" in repeatedly. Threaten legal action. 

When ever someone makes an annoncment over the loud speakers cover your ears and scream "The voices...the voices...make them stop" 

With a friend, speak in a different language (or make up your own) and make a seen, pointing at signs and people as if they were something shiny and new that you've never seen before. Pretend you're a tourist. 

Walk right on people\'s heels and when they look back at you stop and look at the celing and when they turn back around countine

Annoying Things To Do During a Boring Sermon

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. 

See if a yawn really is contagious. 

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. 

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. 

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with “A” then “B” and so on through the alphabet. 

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. 

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. 

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. 

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. 

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. 

Chew gum... if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. 

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. 

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. 

Try to raise one eyebrow. 

Crack your knuckles. 

Twiddle your thumbs. 

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. 

When the service gets long, write the time on the back of a bulletin, hold it up for the preacher to see, and up date it every five minutes. 

Grab the bulletin and start redesigning the church symbol. 

Make faces at the person on the other side of the room and see if you get other peoples attention. 

Produce your own light show with the overhead projector. Mouth the word "lightning" to the pastor. 

Say "Amen" every time the pastor says "Lord" or "Father."

LOL COPS

Remember that using spraypaint on things that aren’t yours is illegal. If a cop comes along and tries to kill your buzz, drop the can and tell him this: “I’m tagging my turf, and my turf is my nose, muthafacko.” If the cop doesn’t give you a high-five call the police station and tell them he is trying to molest you.

Wierd Laws(THAT STILL EXIST)

Alabama

• A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms. 

• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. 

• An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m. 

• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. 

• Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. 

• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. 

• Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.

• Incestuous marriages are legal.

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. 

• It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.

• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. 

• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. 

• It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.

• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

• It's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

• It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. 

• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. 

• Masks may not be worn in public

• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

• Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. 

• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.

• No persons may sell "blow-out nuts". 

• Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays. 

• Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM. 

• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. 

• Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.

• The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala. 

• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

• You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.

• You may not drive barefooted. 

• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. 

• You must have windshield wipers on your car.

Alaska

• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.

• Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

• In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.

• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. 

• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. 

• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane. 

• State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist. 

• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. 

Arizona

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. 

• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). 

• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

• Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association." 

• Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. 

• Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. 

• Hunting camels is prohibited. 

• In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down. 

• In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.

• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

• It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. 

• Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house. 

• Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. 

• Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

• Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. 

• Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.

• Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. 

• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. 

• Tucson: Women may not wear pants.

• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. 

• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. 

• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Arkansas

• A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. 

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

• A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot. 

• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

• An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs. 

• Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw" 

• At Arkansas State University two people cannot hold hands while standing in a doorway unless they belong to a union. 

• Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill "any living creature". 

• Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

• In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.

• It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.

• Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.; Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term; It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday; No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

• Oral sex is considered to be sodomy. 

• The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 

California

• A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. 

• Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. 

• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. 

• A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. 

• Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

• A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol. 

• Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

• Bathhouses are against the law. 

• Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." 

• Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. 

• Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. 

• California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.

• Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles. 

• Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. 

• Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. 

• Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). 

• Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.

• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

• In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.

• In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. 

• In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m. 

• In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits. 

• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. 

• In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

• In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. 

• In California it is illegal to have caller ID 

• In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. 

• In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery. 

• In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. 

• In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen. 

• In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

• In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

• In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person. 

• In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!) 

• In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.

• In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house. 

• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. 

• It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters. 

• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. 

• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. 

• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. 

• It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub 

• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. 

• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

• Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. 

• Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String". 

• Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. 

• Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. 

• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.

• Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited. 

• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. 

• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. 

• No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel. 

• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. 

• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. 

• Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.

• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. 

• Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits. 

• Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. 

• Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. 

• Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. 

• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. 

• Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. 

• Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. 

• Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. 

• San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. 

• San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law. 

• San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.

• San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited. 

• San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."

• San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls. 

• San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 

• Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. 

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. 

• Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

• The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year. 

• The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa. 

• Women may not drive in a house coat.

• You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

Colorado

• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. 

• Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.

• Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. 

• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. 

• Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays. 

• Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. 

• Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.

• In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law." 

• In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes. 

• In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.

• It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.

• It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep in Logan County, Colorado.

• It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.

• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. 

• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver. 

• Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. 

• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. 

• Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. 

• Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

Connecticut

• A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

• A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces

• Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn. 

• Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car. 

• Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.

• Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 

• Druggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.

• Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display. 

• Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands

• In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. 

• In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.

• In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street

• In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

• In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street. 

• In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.

• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

• In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump. 

• It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. 

• It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. 

• It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut. 

• New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. 

• No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. 

• Southington: Silly string is banned. 

• Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.

• The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. 

• This state still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults."

• Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious." 

• Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

• You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

• You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

• You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. 

• You may not educate dogs.

Delaware

• Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

• In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.

• In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. 

• Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

D.C.

• A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive. 

• In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel. 

• It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia. 

• The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

• The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

Florida

• (SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 

• Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.

• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 

• Big Pine Key: It is illegal to molest a Key deer; If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. 

• Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline; It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street (This law is limited to only those who do not own the house) 

• Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired; 

• Don't plan on using any of the celebratory Champagne bottle sizes known as Methuselahs, Salamanazars, Balthazars or Nebuchadnezzars. These very traditional Champagne bottle sizes are all illegal in Florida. 

• Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.

• Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.

• Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 

• Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. 

• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 

• In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.

• In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.

• In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

• In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

• In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.

• In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

• In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

• In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

• Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins." 

• In Sarasota it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

• In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

• It is considered an offense to shower naked. 

• It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. 

• It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday. 

• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 

• It is illegal to skateboard without a license. 

• It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor. 

• It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.

• Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. 

• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. 

• Miami: It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown; No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. 

• Oral sex is illegal.

• Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. 

• Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. 

• Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. 

• Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. 

• Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs. 

• Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.

• Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla. 

• When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. 

• Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.

• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 

• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. 

• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. 

• You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Georgia

• Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.

• An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.

• A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled. 

• Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. 

• Atlanta: Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp; One man may not be on another man's back. 

• Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday; It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday. 

• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. 

• Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands.

• Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops. 

• Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law. 

• In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

• In Columbus, Georgia it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.

• In Georgia, movie houses that want to show films on Sunday must reserve one showing a month for religious material. 

• It is illegal in Georgia to use profanity in the presence of a corpse. 

• In Quitman, It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. 

• It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

• It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro.

• It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.

• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. 

• It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, "Oh boy." 

• Jonesboro: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" 

• Kennesaw: Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. 

• Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck. 

• Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. 

• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. 

• One man may not be on another man's back. 

• Signs are required to be written in English. 

• St. Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark. 

• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

• You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.

Hawaii

• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. 

• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears. 

• Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.

• In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician. 

• It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.

• It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.

• You will be fined if you do not own a boat.

Idaho

• Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back. 

• Coeur d' Alene: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. 

• Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

• Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

• If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.

• Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services. 

• Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

• In Idaho walking along the street with a red-tipped cane is strictly prohibited. 

• In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds. 

• In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."

• It's illegal to hunt from the back of an anima.

• It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

• Non-married couples in Idaho who engage in sexual intercourse can be jailed for up to six months 

• Pocatello: A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view"; A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

• Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime. 

• The town of Idaho Falls, Idaho, forbids anyone over the age of eighty-eight to ride a motorcycle. 

• You may not fish on a camel's back.

Illinois

• "Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.

• A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)

• A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

• According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American".

• An Illinois state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples. 

• Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. 

• Chicago: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire; It is illegal to give a dog whiskey; Kites may not be flown within the city limits; Spitting is forbidden 

• Cicero: Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. 

• Crete: It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog; Cars may not be driven through the town. 

• Des Plaines: Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees. 

• Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman. 

• Evanston: Bowling is forbidden; It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween; It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. 

• Fairfield: It is unlawful for "Negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise. 

• Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.

• Galesburg: There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats. 

• Homer: It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer. 

• If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting. 

• In Illinois it is illegal for barbers to use their fingers to apply shaving cream to a customer's face. 

• In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. 

• In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts. 

• In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas. 

• In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public. 

• In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the naked 

• In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

• In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

• It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois. 

• It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog.

• It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. 

• It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. 

• It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. 

• It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded. 

• Joliet: Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine. 

• Kenilworth: A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow; Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence. 

• Kirkland: Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.

• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. 

• Moline: Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited; There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue. 

• Morton Grove: You may not own a handgun 

• Normal: It is against the law to make faces at dogs. 

• Orland Park: No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling. 

• Ottawa: Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense. 

• Park Ridge: Trucks may only park inside closed garages. 

• Peoria: Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway. 

• Pullman: It is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb; It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck; It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. 

• The English language is not to be spoken. 

• Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500. 

• The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway." 

• Under a 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do. 

• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. 

• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2. 

• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.

• You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile. 

• Zion: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

Indiana

• "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal. 

• A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. 

• A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) 

• A sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks. 

• A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming. 

• All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. 

• Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. 

• Auburn: It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days. 

• Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs. 

• Bathing is prohibited during the winter. 

• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

• Beech Grove: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park. 

• Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. 

• Citizens are not allowed to attend a cinema or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. 

• Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. 

• Drinks on the house are illegal. 

• Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."

• Elkhart: It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears. 

• Evansville: While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on. 

• Fort Wayne: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It's In the Book". 

• Gary: Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. 

• Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. 

• Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. 

• If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices. 

• In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

• In Indiana it is illegal to sell laughing gas with the intent to induce laughter. 

• In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

• It is illegal in Elkhart, Indiana, for a barber to threaten to cut off a youngster's ears. 

• It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. 

• It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. 

• It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

• It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. 

• Liquor stores may not sell milk. 

• Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. 

• Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

• Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. 

• No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. 

• One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. 

• Oral sex is illegal. 

• Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. 

• Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. 

• South Bend: It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. 

• State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

• Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values. 

• Terre Haute: No one may spit on the sidewalk.

• The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. 

• Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. 

• You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table; the waiter or waitress has to do it. 

• You are required to pour your drink into a glass. 

• You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Iowa

• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

• An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can't legally consume a drink there after closing for business. 

• Don't plan on running a "tab" in Iowa; it's illegal. 

• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 

• If a law enforcement officer is having a drink in a bar in Iowa and an employee pours water down the drain, the water is legally considered an alcohol beverage intended for unlawful purposes. 

• In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building. 

• In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. 

• In Marshalltown horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.

• In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."

• Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned. 

• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp. 

• It is illegal to hunt from an aircraft. 

• It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa. 

• It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. 

• Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. 

• One-armed piano players must perform for free. 

• Ottumwa: Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

• Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet. 

• The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread. 

• Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

• You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time. 

Kansas

• Dodge City: It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft 

• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

• In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents. 

• In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

• In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups. 

• In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way. 

• It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch. 

• It is illegal to hunt whales.

• It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas. 

• Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. 

• Lawrence: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. No one may wear a bee in their hat. 

• Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 

• No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

• Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. 

• Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. 

• Russell: Musical car horns are banned 

• Salina: It is against the law to leave your car running unattended. 

• The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. 

• Topeka: The installation of bathtubs is prohibited. 

• Wichita: Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shot gun rounds into the air. Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

Kentucky

• A person can be sent to jail for five years for merely sending a bottle of beer, wine or spirits as a gift to a friend in Kentucky.

• An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid. 

• A Kentucky statute says: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." Later, an amendment proposed: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses."

• All nude people in your house must be registered in Kentucky.

• An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, 

• Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 

• Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.). 

• By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground". 

• Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors. 

• Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. 

• In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street. 

• In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today. 

• In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.

• In Kentucky you need a license to walk around nude on your property. 

• In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.

• It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.

• It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. 

• It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale

• It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. 

• It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. 

• Lexington: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 

• No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1) 

• No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.) 

• Owensboro: A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission. One may not receive anal sex.

All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)

Louisiana

• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

• Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault". 

• Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950. 

• If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities. 

• It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish. 

• It is illegal to gargle in public places. 

• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 

• It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. 

• It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.

• It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.

• Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity. 

• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

• New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

• Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. 

• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Maine

• After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. 

• In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

• It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River. 

• In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing.

• In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands. 

• In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

• In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public. 

• It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland.

• Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

• Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

• You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Maryland

• Baltimore City: Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited. You may not curse inside the city limits. 

• Baltimore: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) -Park Rule 6 It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday. 

• Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells. 

• Columbia: You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence. 

• Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

• Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future." 

• In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine. 

In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.

• In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters. 

• In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get.

• In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies. 

• In Halethrope, Maryland kisses longer than one second are illegal. 

• In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.

• In Maryland, men may not buy drinks for female bartenders. 

• In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." 

• In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state. 

• In the entire state of Maryland, it is illegal to give or recieve oral sex. 

• It is a violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine.

• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

• Maryland now requires that alcohol beverage writers be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand. 

• Ocean City: A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited

• Thistles may not grow in one's yard. 

• You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. 

• You cannot swear while inside the city limits of Baltimore. 

• You cannot throw a bail of hay out of a second story window in Annapolis.

• You may not curse inside the city limits.

Massachusetts

• A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City. 

• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. 

• Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal. 

• Alcoholic drink specials are illegal. 

• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. 

• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 

• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. 

• Boston: It is illegal to play the fiddle. Two people may not kiss in front of a church. No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city. No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except o Sundays. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church. An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present. Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common. No one may take a bath without a prescription. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs. 

• Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. 

• Bullets may not be used as currency. 

• Burlington: You may not walk around with a "drink". 

• Cambridge: It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk. It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. 

• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes. 

• Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine. 

• Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

• Hingham: You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible. If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society. 

• Hopkinton: Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited. 

• Hunting on Sundays is prohibited. 

• Holyoke, Massachusetts, makes it unlawful to water your lawn when it is raining. 

• In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers. 

• In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.

• In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole. 

• In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street. 

• In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.

• In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to take a bath unless instructed to do so by a physician. 

• In Massachusetts, it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies.

• In Massachusetts you must have a license to wear a goatee.

• In Massachusetts, if you get caught eating peanuts in church , you can be jailed for up to one year. 

• In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday. 

• In Salem, Massachesetts sleeping in the nude in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples.

• It is illegal to frighten a pigeon. 

• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. 

• It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.

• It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. 

• It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines. 

• It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine 

• It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. 

• It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. 

• It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. 

• It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. 

• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. 

• Longmeadow: It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green. 

• Marlboro: It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun. Silly string is illegal in the city limits. One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs. 

• Massachusetts law declares that peanuts may not be eaten in court. 

• Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders. 

• Milford: Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden. 

• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 

• Newton: All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor. 

• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car. 

• North Andover: An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns. 

• Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden. 

• Public boxing matches are outlawed. 

• Quakers and witches are banned. 

• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 

• Southbridge, Massachusetts, makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.

• Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. 

• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

• There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April. 

• Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

• Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary. 

• Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.

• You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. 

• You may not curse inside the city limits. 

• You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour.

Michigan

• A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband.

• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. 

• Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony. 

• In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. 

• In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. 

• In Detroit, Michigan it is illegal to sleep in a bathtub.

• In Rochester, Michigan, anyone bathing in public must have his or her bathing suit inspected by a police officer. 

• It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house. 

• It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit. 

• It's illegal in Michigan for a person under the age of 21 to give a gift of alcohol beverage to anyone, even to a person of legal age. 

• Permitting diners to take home an unfinished bottle of alcohol beverage, rather than consuming it all before leaving to prevent "waste," encourages moderation and discourages intoxication. However, this is prohibited in Michigan. 

• Smoking while in bed is illegal.

• The use of the names of dead presidents to sell alcohol in Michigan is prohibited.

• Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.

Minnesota

• A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent. 

• A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death. 

• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. 

• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. 

• All bathtubs must have feet. 

• All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts. 

• Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony. 

• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. 

• Clawson: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

• Every man in Brainerd, Minnesota is required by law to grow a beard. 

• Grand Haven: No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense. 

• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.

• Harper Woods: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets. 

• Hibbing: It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.

• In Duluth, Minnesota it is illegal to allow animals to sleep in a bakery. 

• In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.)

• It is illegal to sleep naked. 

• It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house. 

• It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed. 

• Minneapolis: Red cars can not drive down Lake Street 

• Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens. 

• Minnesotans are forbade from teasing skunks. 

• No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

• Oral sex is prohibited. 

• Public intoxication is a crime in Pennsylvania but specifically not a crime in Minnesota. 

• Rochester: All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police. Smoking while in bed is illegal. 

• St. Cloud: Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. 

• There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office. 

• Virginia: You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street. 

• Wayland: Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.

• You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan. 

Kalamazoo: It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.

Mississippi

• Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison. 

• Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging. 

• Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it. 

• Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road. 

• In Brandon, Mississipi it is illegal to attempt to stop someone from walking down the sidewalk by parking a motorhome in their path. 

• In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers. 

• In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises." 

• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

• It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.

• Oxford: It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session. One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square. Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited. Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses. 

• Tylertown: It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000. 

• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000. 

• Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine.

Missouri

• Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri. 

• Buckner: In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday. 

• Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns.

• Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. Worrying squirrels is not tolerated. 

• Four women may not rent an apartment together.

• Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. 

• In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home. 

• In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

• In Springfield, door to door salesman are prohibited from selling their goods while standing in the middle of the road, screaming at passing vehicles. 

• In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. 

• In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses. 

• It is illegal to have oral sex. 

• It is not illegal to speed. 

• It's illegal to sit on any street curb in St. Louis, Missouri, and drink beer from a bucket. 

• Kansas City: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. 

• Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters. 

• Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law). 

• Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

• Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.

• Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. 

• Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. 

• Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited. 

• St. Louis: It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets. A milk man may not run while on duty. 

• University City: Four women may not rent an apartment together.

Montana

• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. 

• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. 

• In Billings, Montana it is illegal for employees of the city's communications center to program their phones with speed dial. 

• Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.

• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana. 

• Bozeman has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.

• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. 

• It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. 

In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. 

• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. 

• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. 

• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. 

• Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits. 

• Helena: No item may be thrown across a street. 

• Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. 

• Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground. 

• Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. 

• Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

Nebraska

• A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest. 

• A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

• Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska. 

• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested. 

• In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing. 

• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. 

• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. 

• It is Illegal to go whale fishing. 

• It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room.

• Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold 

• Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.

• The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

• Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

Nevada

• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

• Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time. 

• Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. 

• Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. 

• In Eureka, Nevada men who have mustaches are forbidden from kissing women. 

• In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

• In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas. 

• In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

• In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles. 

• In Reno, Nevada staging a marathon dance is illegal, although posting a notice on a fire hydrant about illegal dance marathons is not. 

• In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest. 

• It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school. 

• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. 

• It is illegal in Reno, Nevada to conceal a spray-painted shopping cart in your basement. 

• It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property. 

• Nyala: A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

• Saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

New Hampshire 

• Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces. 

• If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.

• In New Hampshire it is illegal to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria. 

• In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts. 

• It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

• New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. 

• White Mountain Nat. Forest: If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''. 

• You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt. 

• You may not run machinery on Sundays.

New Jersey 

• Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. 

• Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone". 

• Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue. 

• Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday. 

• Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn. 

• Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. 

• Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat. 

• If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. 

• In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday.

• In Newark it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6:00 p.m.

• In New Jersey it is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

• In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup. 

• It's illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol. 

• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. 

• It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. 

• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. 

• It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

• It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street. 

• Lovers in Liberty Corner should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

• Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo. 

• Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor. 

• Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup. Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. Raw hamburger may not be sold. 

• On a highway you can not park under a bridge. 

• Raritan: Profanity is prohibited. 

• Raw hamburger may not be sold. 

• Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property. 

• There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

• Trenton: You may not throw a bad pickle in the street. Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

• Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.

• You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. 

• You may not slurp your soup.

New Mexico 

• A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated. 

• Carrizozo: It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. 

• Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. 

• In Albuquerque, New Mexico it is illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their cabs.

• In Carlsbad it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

• In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races. 

• It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

• Las Cruces: You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.

• State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

New York 

• A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. 

• A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. 

• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

• Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year. 

• Carmel: A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. 

• Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". 

• Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

• During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks. 

• In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

• In Greene, New York, During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks. 

• In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

• In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.

• In New York City it is illegal for a man to give 'The Standard Lear' to a woman. Violators are forced to wear horse blinders. 

• In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street. 

• In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window. 

• In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car. 

• In Ocean City, New York It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. 

• In Ocean City New York, It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. 

• In Staten Island, New York, It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

• In Staten Island, New York, You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. 

• In Tonawanda, New York homeless people may not start a fire in the park unless they intend to cook food. 

• It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

• It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." 

• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." 

• It is illegal to jump off the Empire State building.

• It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m. 

• Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.

• Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax. 

• New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas. 

• New York: Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building. Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

• New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days. 

• New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it. 

• Ocean City: It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. 

• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. 

• Staten Island: You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

• The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways. 

• The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home." 

• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

• To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint. 

• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. 

• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. 

• You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building. 

• You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand

North Carolina 

• A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."

• An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.

• In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine. 

• A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent. 

• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. 

• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. 

• Barber: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

• By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."

• Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates. 

• Chapel Hill: It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. 

• Charlotte: Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. E 

• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. 

• Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. 

• Forest City: You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town. 

• Greensboro: Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street. 

• Hornytown: Massage parlors have been banned. 

• In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets. 

• In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life." 

• If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married. 

• If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry. 

• In Barber, North Carolina fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. 

• In Chapel Hill, North Carolina it is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. 

• In Charlotte, NC, woman must have their bodies covered with at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

• In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands. 

• In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table. 

• In Nags Headm North Carolina you can be fined for singing out of tune for more than ninety seconds.

• In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.

• North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."

•In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law. 

• In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night. 

• In North Carolina it is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds. 

• In Winston-Salem, North Carolina, it is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college. 

• It is against the law to roller blade on a state highway.

• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

• It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.

• It's against the law to sing off key. 

• It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."

• Kill Devil Hills: You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. 

• Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. 

• North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted. 

• Oral sex is considered a crime against nature. 

• Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.

• Rocky Mount: It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog. 

• Southern Shores: It is against the law to roller-blade on a state highway.

• Thomasville, North Carolina, prohibits airplanes from flying over the town on Sundays during the hours between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. 

• The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m. 

• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

• You can't sneeze on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina. 

• You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. 

lon College: There is to be no roller-blading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick.

North Dakota 

• Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. 

• Fargo: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place. 

• In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

• In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year 

• In North Dakota it is illegal to keep an elk in a sandbox in your backyard. 

• In Waverly you better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. 

• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.

• State law of North Dakota prohibits serving beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio

• According to Ohio law, it's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license. 

• A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog.

• Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. 

• Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited. 

• Breast feeding is not allowed in public. 

• Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

• Cincinnati: Anal intercourse is banned. 

• Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! 

• Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap. 

• In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. 

• Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. 

• In Chillicothe, Ohio it is illegal to throw rice at weddings. 

• Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. 

• Fairview Park: It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor. Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. 

• Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75. 

• In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal to sell cornflakes on Sunday. 

• In Marysville, Ohio it is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter. 

• In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town. 

• In ohio it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab 

• In ohio it is illegal to run out of gas

• In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear 

• In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 

• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

• In Oxford, Ohio, it is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face.

• In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar 

• Ironton: Cross-dressing is against the law. 

• It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police. 

• It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. 

• It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. 

• It is illegal to get a fish drunk. 

• It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance. 

• It is legal to throw a snake at someone but it is illegal to shake a snake at someone.

• Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn • even though he had the owner's permission. 

• Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. 

• It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. 

• Lima: Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold. 

• Lowell: It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour. 

• Marion: You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. 

• McDonald: Your goose may not paraded down Main Street. 

• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. 

• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. 

• North Canton: It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police. 

• Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes. 

• Oxford: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. 

• Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited. 

• Paulding: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. 

• Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. 

• The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. 

• Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal. 

• Toledo: Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal. 

• Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. 

• Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. 

• Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. 

• You may not run out of gas.

• Youngstown: Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. You may not run out of gas.

Oklahoma

• Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place. 

• A City Ordinance in Oklahoma, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

• Ada: If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail. 

• Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. 

• Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. 

• Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

• Clinton: Molesting an automobile is illegal. 

• Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. 

• Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 

• Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus. 

• Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. 

• If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply. 

• If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.

• In Broken Arrow, Oklahoma pigs less than 32 inches in length may be kept as pets provided there are no more than two in a house. 

• In Bromide, Oklahoma it is illegal for children to use towels as capes and jump from houses pretending to be superman. 

• In Oklahoma... Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. 

• In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. 

• In Tulsa, Oklahoma the limit on kisses is three minutes (by law).

• In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. 

• It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle. 

• It is illegal to have sex before you are married. 

• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. 

• It is illegal to wear your boots to bed. 

• It's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply. 

• Molesting an automobile is illegal. 

• No one may spit on a sidewalk. 

• Oklahoma City: No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger. 

• Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. 

• One may not promote a "horse tripping event".

• Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punisable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. 

• People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. 

• Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. 

• Schulter: Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel. 

• Tattoos are banned. 

• Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car. 

• Tulsa: You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area. 

• Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 

• Whale hunting is strictly prohibitted throughout the entire state of Oklahoma.

• Whaling is illegal. 

• Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

• Wynona: One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended. Mules may not drink out of bird baths. Clothes may not be washed in bird baths. 

• Yukon: It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall. While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.

Oregon

• Beaverton: You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. 

• Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. 

• Dishes must drip dry. 

• Eugene: It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert. 

• Hood River: Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

• In Oregon anyone with a bad reputation is prohibited from distributing malt beverages.

• In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers. 

• In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. 

• It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. 

• It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. 

• It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex. 

• It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. 

• It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. 

• Just to let you guys know. there is a law in Portland, Oregon saying that it is illegal to own bolt cutters but yet they sell them in all the local hardware stores. One of our friends got pulled over for carrying a bolt cutter down the street and the police took it away from him saying it was illegal for him to have. (Reader Submitted) 

• Klamath Falls: It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane. 

• Marion: Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. 

• Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. 

• Myrtle Creek: One may not box with a kangaroo. 

• No more than two people may share a single drink.

• One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee. 

• One may not box with a kangaroo.

• People may not whistle underwater. 

• Portland: It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. People may not whistle underwater. You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms. 

• Salem: Women may not wrestle in Salem. Springfield It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet. 

• Stanfield: It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms. No more than two people may share a single drink. 

• The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart. 

• You may not pump your own gas in service stations. 

• You must let your dishes drip dry.

Pennsylvania

• A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. 

• A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 

• All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. 

• Allentown: There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public. 

• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. 

• Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.

• By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else. 

• Carlisle: In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved. 

• Connellsville: One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist. 

• Danville: All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. 

• Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish. 

• Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents. 

• If a motorist sees a horse coming down the road, the driver must pull off to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with canvas. If the horse is still scared the driver must get out of his car and take it apart until the horse isn't scared anymore. 

• In Bensalem, Pennsylvania it is illegal to race mufflerless go-karts after 6PM on Sunday. 

• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

• In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium. 

• In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

• In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags.

• In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot. 

• In York, Pennsylvania, you can't sit down while watering your lawn with a hose. 

• It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa. 

• It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding. 

• It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to • 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

• It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. 

• Millville: One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets. The sale of alcohol is prohibited. 

• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. 

• Morrisville: It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics. 

• Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays. 

• Newtown: Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents. 

• No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

• No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor" 

• No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator. Stoves, dishwashers and microwave ovens are not specifically mentioned.

• Pittsburgh: It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car. No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator. 

• Ridley Park: You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance. 

• Tarentum: Horses are not to be tied to parking meters.

• The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.

• Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. 

• Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. 

• Witchcraft was first legalized in the colony of Pennsylvania. 

• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. 

• You may not catch a fish with your hands. 

• You may not sing in the bathtub.

Rhode Island 

• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. 

• Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second. 

• In Providence, Rhode Island it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. 

• In Newport, Rhode Island it is illegal to smoke from a pipe after sunset.

• In Scituate, Rhode Island it is illegal to keep a flock of chickens in your motorhome if you live in a trailer park. 

• Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine. 

• It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley. 

• It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years. 

• It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged. 

• It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.

• It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house. 

• Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday. 

• Providence There is not an appeals process for exemption of property tax due to a disability or poverty. It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. 

• Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.

• This state still prohibits unmarried people from having sex under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined only 10 dollars 

• West Warwick It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100. 

• You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

South Carolina 

• A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people. 

• All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day. 

• By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.

• Charleston: It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street. The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake. 

• Dance halls may not operate on Sundays. 

• Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks. 

• Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state. 

• Fountain Inn: Horses are to wear pants at all times. 

• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. 

• In some church in South Carolina, every man must bring a rifle to church on Sunday to ward off Indian attacks.

• In some town in South Carolina, it is perfectly legal for a man to beat his wife. But only if its on the courthouse steps on Sunday.

• In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.

• In South Carolina you can be fined for not denouncing "the evils of intemperance" on the fourth Friday of every October. 

• It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. 

• It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. 

• It is illegal to communicate with a woman using obscene messages. 

• It is illegal to display a confederate flag on a courthouse. 

• It is illegal to give or receive oral sex. 

• It is illegal to sell any alcoholic beverages on Sunday, unless you own a private club. 

• It is legal to beat your wife on a Sunday morning on the steps of the state house.

• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays. 

• Lancaster County: It is illegal to dance in public. 

• Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold. 

• Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday. 

• No work may be done on Sunday. An exception is that light bulbs may be sold.

• On Hilton Head Island, South Carolina it is illegal to shine a flashlight on a sea turtle 

• Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal. 

• Railroad companies may be held liable in some instances for scaring horses. 

• Spartanburg: Eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.

• When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.

South Dakota 

• If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.

• In hotels in Sioux Falls, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! 

• In South Dakota no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

• In South Dakota it is illegal to try to convince a pacifist to renounce his beliefs by threatening to arm-wrestle him. 

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. 

• Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.

• No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. 

• Spearfish: If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.

Tennessee

•"Crimes against nature" are prohibited. 

• Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction. 

• Driving is not to be done while asleep. 

• Dyersburg: It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. 

• Fayette County: You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property. 

• Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. 

• Hollow logs may not be sold.

• In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon. 

• In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

• In Tennessee hollow logs may not be sold.

• In Tennessee it is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish. 

• It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. 

• It is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso. 

• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. 

• It is legal to gather and consume road kill 

• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

• Knoxville: In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post." 

• Lenoir City: When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming. 

• Lexington: No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited. 

• Memphis: Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM. Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises. 

• More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel. 

• Nashville: Males may not be sexually aroused in public. 

• Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging. 

• The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.

• You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. 

Oneida: An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."

Texas

• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. 

• Abilene: It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing. 

• Austin: Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket. 

• Beaumont: Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. 

• Borger: It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. 

• Clarendon: It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. 

• Dallas: It's illegal to possess realistic dildos. 

• El Paso: Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them." 

• Galveston: It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. 

• Houston: Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. 

• If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does. 

• If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise. 

• In Alamo a person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

• In Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home. 

• In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length. 

• In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday. 

• In Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

• In Lefors, Texas it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing. 

• In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts. 

• In Texas criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. 

• In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate. 

• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. 

• It is illegal to carry a pair of wire-cutters in your back pocket.

• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

• It is illegal for a person to shoot a buffalo from the second story of their hotel. 

• It is illegal to have an open container in a car. 

• It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chain

• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

• It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk. 

• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. 

• It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo. 

• It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb. 

• It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind. 

• It is legal to commit a homicide as long as you tell the person when, and how you are going to kill them.

• It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. 

• In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law. 

• In Texas any artificial constructed underwater barrier reefs must come with an instruction booklet. 

• In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities. 

• It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. 

• Jasper: Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars. 

• LeFors: It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. 

• Lubbock County: It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. 

• Mesquite: It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. 

• Port Arthur: Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. 

• Richardson: It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street. It is illegal to do "U Turns". 

• San Antonio: It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands. 

• Temple: No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. You can ride your horse in the saloon. Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. 

• Texarkana: Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

• Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.

• Texas state law prohibits taking more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. 

• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

• There is an old law in Texas that states you are unable to tuck your pants into one boot unless you own ten or more cattle. 

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. 

• You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

Utah

• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. 

• A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.

• A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds. • In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.The man does not receive any punishment.

• Birds have the right of way on all highways. 

• In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. 

• In Utah it is illegal to fish from horseback. 

• In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. 

• In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. 

• It is against the law to fish from horseback. 

• It is considered an offense to hunt whales. 

• It is illegal not to drink milk. 

• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

• It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. 

• Kaysville: You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark. 

• Logan: Women may not swear. 

• Monroe: Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

• No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. 

• No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

• Provo: Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine. 

• Salt Lake City: No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin. 

• The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BAFT) bans the word "refreshing" to describe any alcohol beverage. 

• Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

• Tremonton: It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught, the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper. 

• Trout Creek: Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches. 

• When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. 

• You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

Vermont

• As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties. 

• At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. 

• Barre All residents shall bathe every Saturday night. 

• Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court. 

• In Vermont It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

• In Vermont it is illegal to paint landscapes in times of war. 

• In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. 

• It is illegal to deny the existence of God 

• It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force. 

• Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.

• Whistling underwater is illegal 

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia

• An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate." 

• As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit.

• A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses. 

• Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. 

• Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars. 

• Culpeper: No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk. 

• Dayton: A person of color may not be outside or within the city limits after 7 pm. 

• Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. 

• If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.

• If you are intoxicated but not driving your car, but the person who is driving your car is intoxicated, both you and the driver can be charged with DUI in Virginia Beach, Virginia. 

• In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.

• In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum." 

• In Newport it's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

• In Norfolk a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. 

• In Radford, VA you are not allowed to spit, loogie, puke or urinate on the streets.

• In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

• In Richmond, Virginia it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. 

• It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. 

• It is illegal to spit on sidewalk. 

• It is illegal to tickle women. 

• Lebanon: It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. 

• Norfolk: Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated. A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere. Women must wear a corset after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone. 

• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. 

• Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds. 

• Police radar detectors are illegal. 

• Richmond: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee. 

• Stafford County: It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm. 

• Swearing at someone over the phone in virginia is punishable by a $100 fine. 

• There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." 

• There was once a law in Salem Virginia that made it illegal to leave home without knowing where you were going. 

• Victoria: It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street. 

• Virginia Beach: If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's. It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike. It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk. It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue. 

• Waynesboro: It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. 

• You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. 

• You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. 

• You may not have oral or anal sex. 

• You may not work on Sunday.

Washington

•"It shall be unlawful for a candidate for office or for nomination thereto whose name appears upon the ballot at any election to give to or purchase for another person, not a member of his or her family, any liquor in or upon any premises licensed by the state for the sale of any such liquor by the drink during the hours that the polls are open on the day of such election." 

• A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town." 

• All lollipops are banned. 

• All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle. 

• An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel. 

• A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent." 

• Auburn: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. 

• A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books. 

• Bremerton: You may not shuck peanuts on the street. 

• Everett: It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window. 

If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.

• In Electric City, WA, it is illegal to "keep[ ] or permit[ ] to remain, in any location . . . anything whatsoever in which flies or rats may breed or multiply." 

• In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls.

• In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

• In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race. 

• In the state of Washington, there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances.

• In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it. 

• In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day. 

• In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission. 

• In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts. 

• In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate. 

• In Washington, anyone under the age of 18 must have parental permission to throw a tear gas canister. 

• In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow. 

• It is illegal to deflower a virgin even on their wedding day. 

• It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag. 

• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich. 

• It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.

• Lynden: Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment. 

• People may not buy a mattress on Sunday. 

• Seattle: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission. It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus • because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers. 

• Spokane: TV's may not be bought on Sundays. 

• The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling. 

• There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a motorcar driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards by a man carrying a lantern. 

• Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime. 

• Waldron Island: No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. 

• Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling. 

• When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

• Wilbur: You may not ride an ugly horse.

• You are not allowed to breast feed in public. 

• You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.

West Virginia

• According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag. 

• Alderson: One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash. 

• A person may not hold public office if they have ever taken part in a duel. A person may be jailed for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challenge. 

• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present. 

• Huntington: Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps. 

• If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined. 

• In Alderson, West Virginia, it is illegal to walk a lion, tiger or leopard in the city limits, even it is on a leash.

• In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service. 

• In West Virginia it is illegal to dig for ginseng on your neighbor's lawn without their permission. 

• In West Virginia, it is legal for one to take roadkill home for dinner 

• In West Virginia you cannot fly a red flag in front of your house if you are disappointed in your sherrif. 

• It is against the law for men to have sex with any animal over 40 pounds in weight. 

• It is illegal to put an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays. 

• It is illegal to snooze on a train. 

• It is illegal to spit on any sidewalk which women may walk down. 

• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.

• It is unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8AM and after 4PM.

• Nicholas County: No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. 

• No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." 

• Road Kill may be taken home for supper. 

• When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers. 

• Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Wisconsin

• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned. 

• At one time, margarine was illegal. 

• A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use 

• A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles." 

• Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. 

• Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday. 

• Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

• Citizens may not murder their enemies. 

• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter. 

• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

• In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public. 

• In Wisconsin you are allowed to marry your house. 

• In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license. 

• In Wisconsin, after 3:00 a.m., you have to send a rocket signal in the air after every mile you drive.

• In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train. 

• It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. 

• It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.

• It is illegal to kiss on a train. 

• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

• Kenosha: No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public. 

• La Crosse: It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip). It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window. It is illegal to play checkers in public. You cannot "worry a squirrel." 

• Milwaukee: An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car. It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention. If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day. It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. 

• Next time you start a riot in Wisconsin remember that it i illegal to use a laser pointer to do so. 

• Racine: It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man. 

• St. Croix: Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

• State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. 

• Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. 

• While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

• Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.

• You must manually flush all urinals in a building.

Wyoming

• An ordinance in Newcastle specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

• Cheyenne Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays. 

• In Wyoming it is illegal to tattoo a horse with the intent of making it unrecognizable to its owner. 

• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. 

• It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement. 

• Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers. 

• You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

HERE IS MORE STUFF FOR A BORED HIPPY

Funny answering machines

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so are you

The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,

The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head

The roses stink, sorta like sheep

But leave your name, number, and message after the beep

The roses are molding, the violets are rotten

And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak 

up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. 

BEEP."

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

Hi. This is John: 

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. 

If you are my parents, please send money. 

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. 

If you are my friends, you owe me money. 

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep

But I've got promises to keep

and miles to go before I sleep

So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________ 

Sorry you can't get through 

Leave your name and your number 

And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] 

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? 

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis! 

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. 

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. 

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. 

BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. 

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.

Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

i, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep? 

Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference. 

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.

Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1. 

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. 

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. 

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. 

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Hi, you know the drill.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye. 

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one. 

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! 

I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. 

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. 

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... 

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you

I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.

If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... 

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. 

If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep. 

I'm gone. 

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. 

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. 

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. 

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. 

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! 

is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can say is leave me a 

Just put on a recording of a busy signal.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. 

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message... 

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. 

let the machine get it.

like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. 

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? 

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... 

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color. 

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing; the kids are misbehaving, and can't come to the phone. 

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? 

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. 

Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name... 

Suicide Hotline...please hold. 

Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. Thank you.

Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. 

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. 

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! 

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... 

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. 

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. 

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day. 

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. 

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. 

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! 

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP 

This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. 

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you. 

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air... 

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. 

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". 

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna e Mobile."

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is "baby booties."

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. 

to get away from you!"

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.) 

voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later. 

We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. 

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... 

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got. 

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good. 

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show. 

You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to 

leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. 

None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. 

You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. 

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. 

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron. 

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. 

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. 

you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. 

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... 

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. 

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. 

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message? 

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much. 

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot. 

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 555-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message. 

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". 

(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!

(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues. 

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. 

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. 

(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep.

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. 

(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi...

You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. 

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.) 

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) 

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." 

(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. 

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. 

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. 

(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. 

(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. 

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. 

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! 

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? 

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... 

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. 

(or)

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 555-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") 

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide. 

(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message. 

(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way... 

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. 

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... 

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag. 

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP 

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. 

(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? 

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. 

(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.) 

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

[Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

[Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...

[in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

[in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

[Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

[Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

[Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

[Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

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